So as most know, I come from a family of 12 children. There are six boys and six girls, perfect, right?! I'm the third child, the oldest girl. I have always LOVED coming from such a big family and being born with so many instant friends. There really is nothing I would rather do than spend time with my family. I have so much love and respect for each and everyone of my family members. I look up to my parents SO much! How does a woman bear 12 children, each of them single births. Tammy was pregnant for 9 years of her life!!!!! How does a father ALWAYS put his family first? I honestly don't remember a time in my life that my dad missed a sporting event, a church program, or any kind of special school program because of work. He is fortunate that he is his own boss which makes this much more doable than it is for some, but he still always made it a priority! His office hours have always been 9 am till the first soccer game of the day. I never heard either of my parents complain about their lives of carpools or homework, they were never too tired for us. They both woke up every morning to get us kids off to school and probably 4 of 5 school mornings in a week my mom had hot breakfast waiting for us on the table. I've had people ask me if I feel like I got lost in the mix or was deprived of one on one time with my parents. The answer is absolutely not!! I never questioned my parents love for me. I knew that they would both drop anything to help me in a time of need. I don't think they could have done a better job parenting me and showing me love being one of twelve versus if I had been an only child. All in all, I could not have asked for a better family life. This being said, I get asked all the time if I want to have a big family like my parents did. My response is always that I loved coming from a big family and if I had the patience and attributes of my mother, I think it would be amazing for my children's sake, but that is just not the case. I unfortunately am a bit more Type A personality that my mom is.
I have lived in Utah essentially my whole life. I have loved it here! There are so many blessings I have received and so many trials that have been lightened by being surrounded by so many Mormons that share the same faith as I do. There has been one challenge for me with being surrounded by the Mormon culture though. And that is the focus the Mormon church has on the role of motherhood. I agree with the teachings and strongly believe in the importance, but it scares me. I love kids, I love my nieces and nephews so much! Being an aunt has been so much fun for me! I have been so scared to start my own family though. I don't know why. I have so much exposure to helping with raising kids within my own family. But the thought of it truly being my responsibility and not just helping out my mom or another mother terrifies me. I have always wanted a family, I don't want to grow old and never have children around, but I haven't really felt anxious for it to happen or that 'baby hungry' feeling that so many people talk about. It's always been a future thought for me, not something I want now.
So Jerry and I had made an agreement that we were going to have at least a year together before we stopped birth control and we were going to go on a fun trip together. So we went on our trip to India and I thought for sure he was going to be set on going off birth control right away. Much to my surprise when we talked about it the beginning of 2015 his response was that he was just so happy with how our life was and the time we were getting to spend together and wanted to wait just a little longer. I did not expect that, but was thrilled because of my fears. But then come early summer, we went to the temple and we both felt like it was time. I remember sitting there just crying cause I knew it was what I needed to do, but I was not excited about it. And I felt guilty and still do feel guilty that I feel so resistant to such a big blessing. But, I knew what I felt and had to obey. Plus I'm not getting any younger! And what if we had struggles getting pregnant, you just never know! Fortunately for us, getting pregnant happened pretty quick. (I mean Fertile Myrtle Tammy is my mother!) Jared was and continues to be so patient with me throughout deciding to start our family and my moments of anxiety during pregnancy. When we decided to start our family I told him we just need to not talk about it. When I got pregnant, it took a while before I was okay with him talking about how he was going to be a dad and I was going to be a mom. I just needed to not think about it or it would freak me out. I was so conflicted inside because I knew how special this was, I knew how excited Jared was that we were expecting, but it took me a few months to really get excited.
It was around the time that we announced that we were expecting that it started settling with me. It became more real life now that people knew and I kind of had to be excited. I think having so many people around me that were so excited helped me to change my attitude, but there was still that underlying fear. I've tried to explain to Jared what I'm so scared about. I think it's just a big combination of lots of things. Change in general, I'm really nervous about being in charge of child in this world how it is today- it's a scary world and kids are learning and exposed to bad things younger and younger, I'm worried about postpartum depression, am I going to be a fun, energetic mom, will Jared and I still get alone time to strengthen our own relationship and keep that strong, I love my sleep and that's certainly going to be affected. Really it's a combination of so many things, both personal/selfish, and concerns for my children and my abilities to give them the best life possible. But all you can do is your best, so that's what I'll do!
I'm not a super emotional person, I really don't cry that often. But the vast majority of the tears I've shed during our marriage have been related to becoming a mother. The other day we were getting new flooring installed in our kitchen and we needed to move the refrigerator. The space we have for the fridge is really tight and you have to jiggy the fridge in and out in a really odd way. I have done this a couple times while we've lived here and I've always just done it by myself, no problem. Well as Jared and I were moving it for the flooring, I felt like I was of no help. My ab muscles kept cramping up in a weird way and I'd have to stop. I think it was mostly that I had just got home from work and worked a lot of hours the prior days, but this really upset me that I was unable to do what I normally do easily. I don't think Jared even saw me cause he was doing all sorts of stuff getting the floors ready for installation and I was hiding it, but I just started sobbing. I knew I was being ridiculous, but I was so upset that I was so incapable with my abs because of the pregnancy. It really is amazing how much you learn a muscle group does when they're out of commission or weakened. There are so many times that I have to do things differently because the way pregnancy affects the abs.
There was another time Jared and I were watching some of our nieces and nephews. It really was a fun night and I enjoyed being with them, but when we came home I was laying in bed thinking about how that was going to become my everyday routine soon, and it again freaked me out. I just laid in bed and cried. My life is going to change so much. And really, it's a selfish thing. I'm worried about myself and my sleep and my time. I really believe that when our little boy comes, my feelings are going to change and it's all going to work out just fine, but in the meantime, it has me pretty anxious. I really do believe that as I get my children, one at a time, my heart and my love will grow more and more and I'll look back and wonder what in the world I was so nervous about. At least that's what I'm banking on! I'm just so grateful to have a strong man by my side that I know will be an amazing father and will continue to be a strong husband for me to fall back on. He really is so patient with me!
I also have always loved my job and the work I do. I get a lot of satisfaction in going to work and saving lives! So many women, including all the women on both sides of my family, want nothing but to be stay at home moms, which is great, but that is not what I want! I definitely want to be a mom that is always there for my children cause I know what a blessing that was for me growing up, but I need adult interaction! I want to continue to have the fulfillment I get from working as a nurse. I went to school for a reason, not just to have a degree to tuck in my pocket. Fortunately being a nurse, full-time is only 3 days a week and part time is 2, so I feel like I can still be a good mother and be very involved without completely quitting my job and my passion. Sometimes I worry that others may think it's wrong of me to keep working if I don't financially have to, but I have to remind myself that it's my life. Jared and I get to decide together what is best for us and our family and other's thoughts and opinions don't matter. Jared knows how important my job is to me and he is fully supportive of me continuing to work. I don't think he has an opinion about me working full-time vs. part-time, but he actually wants me to continue working, probably because he knows I'd go crazy staying home all day every day. He knows what I do, the passion I have, and is proud of the hard work I put in to it. So the plan for baby number one is full-time work. Luckily Jared can work from home one day a week, so it's just one day a week I'm working out a sitter. Then when we have multiple kids I'll cut back my hours. The nice thing is I can always change my mind!
As I write this, I'm 36 weeks pregnant. Baby boy is coming soon, like it or not! But I really have come a long way. It has been amazing to experience the bonding that occurs carrying this boy with me constantly. I'm not one of those crazy people that enjoys being pregnant. So many women love the feeling of having the baby move around. I'm perfectly fine with the little guy holding still! I do have fun pushing his leg back in as he kicks into my side or pushing him back down out of my ribs. I figure he has to learn sometime who is in charge, why not now! Right? But I've been lucky and have had a decent pregnancy. I haven't gained a ton of weight. I haven't had any morning sickness. I've been able to keep working like normal. I really have been blessed.
A simple selfie at my one month left mark! (Dirty mirrors and all!)
So as I stand now, being full-term, I still am nervous, I still have nights where I stay awake feeling anxious about the changes ahead, but overall I'm so excited to meet this little guy! Is he going to look like his momma or his pops? Is he going to come on time or will I be getting induced? Part of me wants him to come early, and part of me will take any last moments I have to spend with just Jared and I. I'm excited to see how our dog Louie does with him. I'm pretty sure Louie will be super protective of baby boy and probably share a few too many kisses with him, but that's okay. I'm curious what delivery and nursing is going to be like. I am all for getting hit up with an epidural, so I'm not too worried about the delivery, but maybe I'm being a bit oblivious. We'll see! So mostly, I'm excited, but I still am nervous. Hopefully all those worried feelings will subside the second they lay little boy on me.
So there you have it. ROHOS REAL LIFE.
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